Ordering the red snapper? A chilled Pinot Grigio would go very well with that. Something to complement the crab? I’d suggest a nice, oaky Chardonnay. Go to an upscale restaurant these days and it’s common to find an effeminate European recommending which wine to drink with which dish. Quite a useful service if you like wine and you’re too stupid to use the internet. But what if you’re not a wine buff? What if you’re not going to a five star restaurant for your kicks? What if you like to tread a slightly more adventurous path? What if you want to get totally f*#ked up?

Meet: The Substance Sommelier

Bangkok is a city famous for its nightlife. Clubs of all different types abound. And for a young man/woman/transsexual around town it can be difficult to know how to get the best out of each club.

Until, of course, the introduction of the Substance Sommelier. Imagine the scenario. You’re about to go to a new club. You’ve got your dancing shoes on. You’re dressed to impress. But you suddenly realize! You have no idea which substance is suitable for this club! How embarrassing would it be to show up at a prestigious club and try to pass round a stumpy little doobie you rolled that afternoon! The social stigma would be unbearable.

Happily, though, such a faux pas need never occur. Simply use this easy-to-follow guide and rest assured that whichever venue or event you should find yourself at, you will be properly equipped.
Models’ Nights… Tuesday is Koi followed by Flix. Wednesday is Qbar. Friday is Circle. If you’re tall, skinny and broke, you can get wasted free of charge. If you’re not, you’re going to have to buy your own drinks. And if you want to fit in, you’re going to need a bag of coke… and a smartphone. I know it sounds weird, but if there’s one thing we can all thank the late Steve Jobs for, it’s providing us all with a small glass plate we can carry with us for cutting lines on.

Having the Right Stuff for the Right Occasion

You don’t even need to TAKE the coke yourself… You can’t impress models by buying them drinks… They already get free drinks for being tall and skinny. Coke brings the confidence to talk to the beautiful people. And it also brings about the type of conversations that impress models… namely where to score coke. How about a hip-hop night? Sunday is Qbar. Lots of clubs on RCA play pretty much only hip-hop. As the crowd is usually younger, it’s best to have a little stash of E’s. I’d recommend enough to get yourself and a couple of friends rolling. Usually you get far too happy and generous and you’ll want to share that with some random person that can see you’re tripping balls. The advantage of a pill over powder is that you can choose to give a whole or a half. No-one likes waiting for the coke bag to return and finding some dopey tart has finished the lot.


With good E, you’ll get that groovy, loving feeling that allows you to tolerate yet another Pitbull track without tearing off your ears, pouring in shots of brandy and igniting them. But you also get enough energy to keep dancing through until the clubs close. That’s when it gets tricky. An after-hours club has a whole different vibe and crowd. Take Bash, for example. With its deep house-beats and rave-like rhythms, you’re not going to fully appreciate the music on a couple of beers and shots. So for this dark and edgy club, you’d need a little baggie of ketamine. Yep… good old fashioned horse tranquiliser, dried out, ground up and sniffed off the back of a key is just the right accompaniment to make your night explode. Careful though, this is a potent little vintage… Half a sniff too much and you can end up sitting in a corner, hugging a cushion, while your ears play tricks with music and your eyes make your friends’ head bubble like 70’s lava lamps.

‘There’s a thin line between tearing up the dancefloor and looking like a complete retard’

Suppose you don’t fancy underground, edgy music. Suppose you feel like dancing until 6am to commercial party music. Suppose you want to be surrounded by disheveled, BO-riddensex-tourists looking for that genuine Bangkok experience. Well, then you’d be wise to head over to Mixx. For that extra loving feeling with added visuals, see if you can find Molly. She’s not much to look at, and she’s a little expensive, but as a companion to Mixx, you can’t do much better. You can buy your own capsules, but for best results, buy grams and measure out your own bombs before you go. There’s a thin line between tearing up the dancefloor and looking like a complete retard (sometimes there’s no line at all). Of course, there are lots of other substances out there that might be more up your street – it’s all personal taste; just like music and sex.

Once you go Swing.. All Hope is Gone

I’ve always said there’s nothing wrong with using gear… But there’s everything wrong with abusing it. Keep safe and in control. Don’t spend more than you can afford. Go to work on time. And enjoy yourself.
But what do you do if you’ve finished Qbar, Levels, RCA andMixx? What if you still want to party after 6am in Bangkok?
There’s only one place left; the dreaded, darkened hellhole that is Swing! Bangkok’s own little shrine to Mordor. Equipped with as many as TWO speakers (crafted in the best sweatshops in North Korea)) and occasionally THREE working lights, what substance could possibly be suited to a venue such as this? Coke?Ecstasy? Molly? Ketamine?

Once you’re in Swing and there’s nowhere else to go, I think I’d have to say to really enjoy yourself there… All of the above!

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Johnny Dope is written for entertainment purpose only. Bangkoknightlife.com does not encourage buying, selling or using drugs in any way.

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