Any religious scholars reading this (and there are usually loads) will no doubt be aware that the Bible was originally written in Aramaic and then later translated into Latin by monks.   The biggest problem with this is that the monks were killjoys who liked to put their own interpretation on certain passages to stop people having fun… For some reason, religions are anti-enjoyment.

For example, boring Roman monks read this line –  ‘Benim eşek çok güzel.  Onu seviyorum’ and translated it to ‘And God spoke and said, “Let there be light.  And there was light.”’  But that tells only part of the story.  The original line is much longer and more interesting.

From the unabridged version of The Bible before the monks fucked it up, here is the real translation.

“And God spoke and said ‘Let there be Light’ and there was light.” Which is the bit everyone knows… but it was followed by, “And God saw that Light was shit.  Full of boring stuff like traffic jams, office jobs, contract small print and variable rate mortgage.  Everyone looked crappy and unsexy.  So He spoketh again and said, ‘OK… Let there be Dark too’ and there was dark.  And He saw that it was WAAAY cooler than light, so he put all the fun stuff in there, like clubs, music, drugs, sex, parties and vampires.”  Disclaimer – this was back in the day when vampires sucked blood not cocks.

I think I’ve proven without a shadow of a doubt that nights are cooler and therefore I can legitimately get on with my subject, which is ‘people’, or specifically two different types of people.  You know those crappy memes on the Internet that say, “There are X kinds of people in the world…” and then try to be funny?  Well, this is sort of one of those.

Daywalkers and Nightwalkers

There are two kinds of people in the world – Daywalkers and Nightwalkers.  See?  You already know the Nightwalkers are cooler just because they sound cooler!  Look at the following things – Nightclubs, Deadly Nightshade, Nightmares.  See?  You can’t pretend that Dayclubs, Dayshade and Daymares don’t sound crappy!  No-one would want to go to a Dayclub because they know it’d be full of middle-aged women wearing pastel twinsets and discussing what charities they would like to donate to if they hadn’t spent their husband’s money on ugly clothes and jewelry.

The Daywalkers are the nine-to-fivers.  The responsible ones that keep the country working…  Well not this country, but that’s another story.  They’re the ones that teach our kids, calculate our taxes and make sure the trains run on time.  The Nightwalkers are the ones that don’t have kids, try their best not to pay taxes and don’t give a shit what time the trains are because who the Hell travels by trains except filthy backpackers and ecomentalists?

Daywalkers and Nightwalkers have very different lifestyles and opinions.   Six o’clock in the morning is probably the only time their paths cross.  Daywalkers are hurrying out of their homes conveniently located close to NIST, pushing their whining kids in front of them in time for the school-run.  Nightwalkers are coming in the opposite direction; staggering up Sukhumvit Soi 13, dragging two or three friends along with them for a couple of last drinks and to finish off the last of the gear.

When a Daywalker chooses a car in Bangkok, he considers miles per gallon, numbers of airbags, insurance groups and how to fit 2.1 kids in the back.

Nightwalkers look for top speed, 0-60 time, banging stereos and how to fit eight drunk hookers in the back…  Top Tip – choose eight slim hookers, lay a foundation of the four tallest ones on the back seat and then place the four shortest ones sitting on their laps.  (And don’t hit speed bumps at more than 50kph or you’ll be washed away in a tsunami of Bacardi-Breezer-flavoured-puke).

Which one are you?

A tragic disappointment for a Daywalker is missing out on a promotion at the office, which would have meant more hours and more responsibilities.  A tragic disappointment for a Nightwalker is landing that same promotion which means they need to wake up before 11am.  They prefer jobs where they can work from home, or not at all.

Johnny Dope hasn’t needed to work for 15 years after a peculiar accident in Hamburg involving a badly fitted strobe light, a bag of peyote and a case of peach schnapps that was past its sell-by date.  The resulting compensation (invested with Ukrainian arms dealers) has freed me to live a life of decadence although I react badly to flash photography and am overly suspicious of goats.

Doctors will tell you to take it easy, don’t party too hard, drink less coffee, don’t take drugs and practice safe sex… But doctors are Daywalkers!  They don’t handle life like Nightwalkers do.  Nightwalkers say stuff like, “Fuck that… Let’s get drunk!”, “Hold my beer.  Watch this!” and  “Come on, Baby… It won’t hurt if you relax.”

Daywalkers get their news from CNN and BBC and newspapers – Ha!  Remember those?!  They tut at celebrities behaving badly, nod approvingly when bank robbers are apprehended and wholeheartedly support the War on Drugs.  Nightwalkers get their news on the mobile phones via Facebook and Whatsapp.  They laugh at the so-called celebrity scandals knowing they did worse stuff last week.  They cheer when a ‘daring robbery’ is pulled off.  And when police catch a local drug dealer, they hope it’s not a friend of theirs.

Daywalker couples talk through their relationship issues and resolve conflicts peacefully over Caesar Salad and glasses of Chardonnay in a Siam Paragon restaurant.  Nightwalkers plot violent revenge on their ex-lovers for a month but instead have a make-up fuck in a nightclub toilet.

At the cinema, Daywalkers queue up to see period dramas and Rom-coms starring Kenneth Brannagh and other faggy Englishmen.  Nightwalkers watch movies with exploding big-titted alien vampires – but they usually fall asleep partway through because they didn’t sleep the night before.  Their movie idols are distinct too – Johnny Depp, Charlie Sheen, Jonah Hill and Marc Wahlberg.  A Nightwalker wouldn’t be seen dead watching a movie starring Daniel Radcliffe.  And even when a Daywalker actor tries to escape the genre by trying to be a tough guy, the truth is no Nightwalker is convinced (I’m talking to YOU, Leonardo di Caprio trying to be a badass in The Departed… Not fooling anyone.)

Coming over to the Dark Side?

But even if Leo can’t make the transition, all is not lost for any Daywalkers who want to come over to the Dark Side.  It can be done… if you’re prepared to make the effort.

Please don’t imagine that a Friday night in the pub followed by two hours in Levels and going home at 1am qualifies as a night out.  Waking up with a mild headache and feeling a bit queasy isn’t a ‘wild night out’.

You need to book at least two days off work… probably three.  You should start with a group of at least six like-minded people.  At the end of your session there should be a similar number, although not necessarily the same ones.

Oh and finally, divorce the spouse, change the 9 to 5, get some decent threads and come over to the Dark Side… Trust me.  It’s worth it.

[*Please note, the ‘Aramaic’ sentence quoted above is bullshit – it’s Turkish and it means, ‘My donkey is very pretty.  I love her.’   And that’s probably not perfect either as I stole it from Google Translate because I’m a lazy bastard and I don’t get paid enough to do any real research.]


Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Johnny Dope is written for entertainment purpose only. does not encourage buying, selling or using drugs in any way.

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